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Archive for November, 2012


Send in the clowns

We went bowling tonight, it’s something that we enjoy, and it gets us out of the house. It’s been a rough week, we had a blowup with our oldest son, our Marriage is strained right now, and with all of that there are legal matters to attend to. It’s day to day right now, the chickens will be off to slaughter next week, there is no other option and it was getting close to that time anyway. We will sell the coop, or find storage for it if we must. We will give up one of the dogs most likely, she’s too destructive and with rentals you can’t have an animal that chews things up. We are also going to sell some of our fish and end up with just one or two small tanks, it all rips at our hearts and causes tears.

But that’s the hard reality, we decided today that we are going to turn all this over to a lawyer and our account, and let them guide us through this. There is too much at stake and we don’t want to make any mis-steps, the lender is basically foreclosing on us, which makes me angry because we have never missed a payment. But I’ll let the lawyer deal with that, we will focus on packing and getting ready.

My faith is in tatters right now, the sun will rise tomorrow and we will move on, but we will never be the same. I’m too overwhelmed to know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. There is a deep ache in my heart, I can’t hide it, my co-workers and friends know something is up, but we’ve been pretty quiet about it. We can be philosophical and rationalize why this is better, logically I know that’s true, emotionally however I’m still not over all this.

I do think I will feel better once we get more packed and have a better idea of where we will land, the timing of this was the worst. This week everyone is out with their family, and we are falling apart, just when we need re-assurance.

There are prospects, a house in the city on a large lot looking for long term tenants (that’s us). A couple a little farther out that look very nice, we talked to one today who was so weird we just walked away. The last thing I need is a twitchy landlord to deal with, we want something cheap, that we can stay in for a couple of years, and close to work (well, closer).

I’m sure this will all get better, that the sun will finally come out, but getting there is going to be tough. I wish someone would send the clowns, we need a good laugh and smile, something cheer our hearts and let us smile from the inside out.



Packing Begins

I spent most of yesterday packing up my desk, because even if we can keep the house, I’ll be moving it to a new office upstairs. I also jettisoned all the stuff I had collected and don’t need anymore, today I’ve been setting up iTunes Match to get all my content out onto the cloud, synching up all my browsers with the main machine and getting ready to box up my Mac Pro, and move to my Retina until either I move into my new office, or we find a new home. We have found some interesting prospects, like I said before the market is flooded right now, so we can be picky and get something that will meet our needs.

We have decided that for the shop, we are going to order pallets and shipping crates for the stuff that’s hard to transport. Most things have wheels so I can move them around easily, so we are going to start cleaning each tool. Get it all up to spec, and then either stick it on a pallet and shrink it, or just shrink it for storage. Then we will get one of the Pods delivered and move the whole shop into one of those. It should just barely fit, minus the workbench which is OK, I’ve had it for about 12 years and it’s time to build a new, much better one.

We went bowling last night with some close friends, and that was a wonderful experience. It felt good to get out of the house, and do something fun with people who we love and trust. We are determined to not let this beat us down, it’s important that make the best of this. We have until March, that’s a good deal of time, the office packed up pretty quickly, and because I’m a computer nerd, I found a program to inventory and make box labels. That makes moving so much easier when you can organize and have a place for everything.

As soon as iTunes finishes I’ll be taking this computer offline, and packing the last of my office up for a while.

We also had a long talk about the Orthodox faith, we are heading back. I’m reaching out to the Father this week and see if he has some time to sit and go over our concerns in a more intimate setting. At this point we need a church family, we realize that clearly, and so this is the first step to heading in that direction.



Dealing with the unknown…

Hostess just went belly up, and 18,000 people just got unemployed, Happy Holidays!. Granted they did let union thugs represent them, and hopefully they all learned an important lesson about why unions are such a bad idea anymore. The Whitehouse and certain members of congress are pushing for adding new taxes onto those they deem rich, they will brook no compromise, the greedy must pay their fair share, so the have nots, can have. Republicans have been on a continual decline since the early nineties, and  at times, I can’t tell them apart from the democrats. I don’t trust any media news source, they all lie, spin and obfuscate the truth. And in many cases their bias is so obvious that it almost becomes comical, if it wasn’t so damn dangerous.

Around the World, hate, violence and mayhem are the order of the day, Israel is being bombed, our embassies are under attack and there seems to be nowhere to run or hide.

We live in troubled times, it’s always been this way, history makes that perfectly clear. There have been periods of peace and prosperity, but they never last. I have no doubt we will get through this administrations idiotic ideas, and another election will bring more unworthy idiots running for office. Two years from now people will elect more slimy, two faced politicians, who lie, cheat and steal and not think twice about it.

My hope is gone, it’s been under fire for a long time. But now with our home pushed into the unknown, what little was left has vanished. I don’t trust the churches, religion, government, and people in general. I honestly feel like I’m trapped on a sinking island I can’t get off of.

I know all the cliche’s about turning to God, and giving it up (whatever that meant), and there are people who are praying for us, which touches the little part of my heart that is left, but will amount to nothing. I can’t have faith, because I have no hope, and without either, I don’t see the point. If God is there, I don’t see him, and he certainly hasn’t let me in on what’s happening.

I think the two things that hurt the most is having to give away the clownfish that we raised, and have cared for. And being back under someone else’s whims in a rental situation. Well and having to pack up the shop, which will be a HUGE effort.

I confided in a friend today, it helped a little. But when I get home, I have to face the prospect of losing our home again in all it’s stark reality. It’s a big deal because it was my stable place, I could hide from the world, and I could let my creativity flow.

Writing seems to help, it’s cathartic in it’s own way. But ultimately, I have to get packing and deal with the loss, deal with the time and effort I put into fixing this place up. There’s nothing else I can do.

Monday we start the journey to work with a loan agent, to see if he can help, but since I have no hope, I don’t see a good outcome. I see us packing up, and compressing in and being unsettled for the foreseeable future. If that’s God’s plan, then he can take it, I’m not ready for it.



And out to the frying pan

We talked with our financial adviser this morning, while he thinks we could obtain a loan and keep the current house, his advice was something we didn’t want to consider. Our best option in his opinion, is to move out, find a new place to rent for a time, and let the mess that is our economy under Obama settle.

We have poured our hearts into this house, but as much as it pains me to the core of my very soul, I know he’s right.

There is time to actually pack correctly, get things in order (the shop will require special effort to box up), and find a new place to settle in. The kids are almost out, the last one heads off to college next year, so we can trim WAY down. Let go of all the stuff we have been holding, and do a reset on our lives.

The other very concerning problem is with Obama Care coming next year, companies are going to be hard pressed to meet it’s demands. There are already layoffs taking place nation wide, major employers are skirting the law by reducing working hours and some are just closing shop. It’s going to be a tough four years, and I’ve lost any hope that anyone in Washington will actually do anything about it.

So the packing begins, and the search for a new place is on.

I’m numb from all this, I know it will work out in the end, but right now it’s hard to see anything but losing our home.



Into the fire…

We just learned that we are losing our house, unless we can come up with a way to pay it off quickly, we will be out. This is not a bank issue, but something that we had worked out with our lender, we thought everything was fine, and then tonight we got the bomb dropped on us. I’m angry, hurt and not sure where to turn anymore. Michelle didn’t want to convert to the Orthodox church, I can’t go back to the Catholic church, so right now we are adrift and dealing with this issue. We do have until next year, but that’s still not much time to do everything we need, when we’ve been here for 7 years.

The looming tax burden that liberals are going to rain on the working class are the impetus for this event, the lender can’t afford them any longer, especially when they are going up steadily, and taking a big jump next year.

I hate starting over, and I thought we had finally settled for good, but it wasn’t to be.

My faith is shaken, any trust I had in mankind is long gone, and now I’m fully adrift without any tethers. I have no idea where I will end up, it’s all so raw right now I’m not sure I can’t think clearly about it.

So much to do now, and so little time.

Merry Early Christmas to Us.

I’ll blog the journey, because it’s cathartic and helps me sort through feelings and thoughts.

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride kids.