Unbearably Me…
I have character flaws, it’s part of my humanity, part of the whole that shapes who I am.
I’m sitting in a Starbucks writing this, while at home my wife is hosting a party for a baby baptism of a friend. It’s been a busy day, I was up early to kick off a project for the office, I worked out, then I was in the office doing testing and managing the project. The work that my team did today was successful, it’s a big relief, but when I called home to see what was going on, I found that a group of people who I have no emotional connection to are at my home celebrating.
The party was my wife’s idea, and I’ve supported her efforts, but now that the day has arrived, I find old habits rearing their ugly head. I have no desire to entertain people I don’t know, and one that my wife and I share a friendship with. I also don’t want to spoil their celebration, it’s a worthy thing to be celebrating. But I’m 50 years old, and I’ve been down this road many many times before, and the minute I show up, I will be forced into what they are doing. And because my wife’s friend knows us both will be hurt if I don’t make a showing of being happy she’s there.
Truth be told, there is so much drama in my life, that I really don’t want to get involved in yet another families drama. I wish them well, I just don’t have the emotional strength to be part of a mess, that in my view they created for themselves.
Hard, unfair maybe, but very true.
I sometimes wish I was different, that I could be like others and be more open, but I am at my very core a private man, who has certain places that I consider to be sacred. My rocking chair next to the window and the TV is one of those, like the altar we keep on the upstairs landing, it’s my go to spot when I need to decompress. And the only people I share it with are those who I have let into inner reaches of my heart.
In the parish that we attend the Priests wife has battled cancer and is now cancer free, but when we joined the parish, I had to ask myself if I really had the emotional depth to deal with that situation if God forbid it took a dark turn. It tool me a long time to come to grips with the whole picture, and today she is like a long lost sister. But I feel ashamed that I was so cold and calculating in deciding if I was ready to deal with the situation before we joined the parish.
I’m never sure if I should apologize for who I am, or just be content being me. It’s a question I’ve never been able to answer, I’m socially awkward at times, and sometimes I shame myself. But it’s part of my makeup, and I’m not sure I can ever change it, or if it even makes sense to change it.
One of the most beautiful things I found in Orthodoxy was that we each are on our own journey, and there is no judgement if I’m not ready to accept some parts of the faith. Last night talking to Fr. Mark we talked about the final leg of the fast, I joked that the Orthodox take fasting and lent and at the very end crank the knobs to 12. He said some of the faithful will even not eat for the final two days, to which I quizzed him on how many parish members became crashers during the final service. I meant it partly in humor and partly because I get fasting, but at this point of my walk, I don’t ‘get’ making myself suffer that much to celebrate lent (well is it a celebration then).
So there’s part of it, the flaws in the man. The parts of me that I don’t share very often.
God Forgive Me, A Sinner.
-Paul-
Sometimes the hardest part is simply believing…
It’s been an interesting year, we have finally moved and are settling into a new place. Our old house is getting foreclosed on, and there is simply nothing we can do about it, despite that we never missed a payment and held up our end of the bargain, we are now stuck with a foreclosure.
After a long year of questioning we decided to journey into the Orthodox Church, that decision has brought both pain and joy.
I had an accident on January 28th, and it took me out for three weeks, and I’m still not fully recovered. I’m not sure if I ever will be the same again.
My oldest son moved out on his own, and immediately lost his job, so he is constantly on our minds.
My Daughter made some bad decisions and did a good deal of damage to my car, it was in the repair shop for two full weeks while they fixed it.
We have been struggling to just keep up with life, so much is happening that most days we collapse from exhaustion.
Then today I walked out of a Vespers service because I finally hit a portion of Orthodox Asceticism that I could not reconcile. I’m sure I’ll go back, but I had to stop and take a deep breath so I can think, everything has begun to squeeze the air out of my life.
You see in the Orthodox faith they use a different calendar, and they take lent VERY seriously. Catholics give up something for lent, but the Orthodox turn that up to 11, first you give up meat, then you give up anything dairy, meaning you go vegan. It’s not a requirement, you can do less and be fine. But the bar is set. Then today they celebrated a forgiveness service, it’s a vespers service where you prostrate on your knees (think muslim prayers), and ask for forgiveness from EVERYONE in attendance. Not as a group but person by person, the idea is to be humble, and in turn each person does the same for you.
But the whole thing seemed to me to be overly pious, how can I ask forgiveness if I don’t even know everyone very well. I’m not a monastic, I’m a man with faults and failures, and there are SOME people who I need to ask forgiveness of, but I’m not about to do it in a public service. There was a push to ask forgiveness of EVERYONE I know, that sounds like a good sentiment, but in reality it would cause more issue than it would help with some people I know.
So it’s not enough to have a late Lent, to use almost a whole Sunday for church every week, long services where you stand (you can sit, but standing is more Ascetic), to go far beyond anything the Catholic faith required (and many times I think they didn’t require enough). But then I’m supposed to humiliate myself, prostate before strangers and ask for forgiveness when I’m not even sure of the persons name.
Called to the priesthood I am not…
So today after the Agape meal, I began to feel confined and trapped, getting up and down on my knees 50 to 60 times seems pointless. It’s a show that I’m pious enough to be Orthodox, it has nothing to do with my heart, how I feel, or how I see things.
So instead of prostrating 60 times, throwing my back out, and tearing up what little is left of my knees. I walked out…
I left..
I need time to think things over, I need some air.
I don’t want to be Orthodox and go through the motions, just because that’s what we do. If I’m going to do anything it’s because not only do I understand what we are doing, but because I believe in my heart it’s the right thing to do. I cannot believe in something I don’t understand, so right now I need time to think, to breathe a little and come to terms with what it means to be Orthodox.
Which is strange because right now I’m stuck between two worlds, I can’t go to reconciliation because I’m not Orthodox yet. I would go back to being Catholic, but I don’t believe in Papal Infallibility, Universal Jurisdiction of the Papacy, the Marian Dogmas, or Indulgences.
So I’m a man without a home, back into the wilderness once more for a time…
What I need more than anything right now is prayer, and time to reflect…
-Paul-
Of Saints, Men, and Tradition
St Clement Of Rome
Choosing a saints names for your confirmation is a tradition held in both the Eastern and Western ancient churches. When Michelle and I were in the RCIA program and converting to the Catholic faith, I struggled with purpose of the tradition of choosing a saints name. My reasoning was that my mother had already named me after the guy who wrote most of the new testament, and I never saw the point in tinkering with that. I resisted, and at first I was told you have to choose a saint, but when I pushed back I was finally told that it’s only a tradition, and it’s not necessary for confirmation. So using my protestant stubbornness, I did not fill out any name and kept the one I was given, never even choosing a saint to help me on my journey.
In the ancient church it was common practice that once you where baptized you where given a new name, so for instance Saul become Paul, names in the ancient world where more than just a monicker, they where expressive of who you were as a person. And it was common in the Jewish tradition to name children after patriarchs and other holy figures. The idea was that baptism was creating a new person, and that should be reflected in everything you do, including your name.
But when you come from a protestant background, you learn to be suspicious of tradition, the line of thinking goes like this:
“Is this just a tradition of men, or is it something that I can find in the bible?”
That thinking is based on ‘Sola Scriptura’ which almost all of the protestant world holds today, it can be even held with those who practice ‘Prima Scriptura’ (or those who hold tradition and scripture as equal). So even with the clear biblical reference to this tradition, I was never comfortable enough in the Catholic Faith to allow myself a little grace to some of the rules. Looking back it was partly the lightweight nature of the RCIA class, and the speed at which we converted. Nine months sounds like a long time, but in reality it’s a short time to absorb so much information. And the fact that our RCIA classes where more about how we felt, learning the true foundations of the Church, didn’t help the situation.
But now things have changed, I’ve had a lot more time to dig, study and ponder. I left the Catholic Church and am moving East to a church older than the one in Rome, Antioch. And this move has taken a lot longer to even commit to being a Catechumen, in fact Michelle figured out that it’s been a year since we started talking to the Antiochian Orthodox Church. That time has been very helpful to building my faith and confidence in the Orthodox and Catholic traditions, I’ve been able to absorb more information, and have spent that time talking to people who have gone before us, learning their experiences as well.
When Fr. Mark asked me about a Saints name, my off the cuff answer was St Paul, since we both shared the same name. In fact Fr. Mark did the same thing, saying it was an easy choice. But I’ve began to rethink my position, and while St Paul is a wonderful Saint, and someone I would be proud to have for my confirmation name. It almost feels like I’m cheating the process, Michelle is taking St Michael the Arch Angel for her patron saint (figures since he was a warrior and she is the toughest person I know). Her decision has caused a good bit of fun ribbing on my part, but I was surprised to know that people choose Saint from the opposite gender all the time, who knew?!!!
I started thinking about all the different Saints out there, I dug, researched, poked, prodded. And nothing… I couldn’t find any that seems to be worthwhile or should I say fitting, I wanted someone who crossed over between East and West. I know I wanted someone early, and someone influential, and that’s when it hit me like a thunderbolt!!
Pope Clement…
He was the 2nd or 3rd Pope in the Church (depending on who you read, there is a theory that Linus and Clement both where the bishop of rome for a time, until Linus was martyred, leaving Clement), regardless he is a Saint in both the Catholic and Orthodox faiths, and was a Pope regardless of what Anti Papacy writers think. His writings where long held as part of the canon of the new testament, not making by the fact that he was not a direct apostle. I’ve read his works, there’s not much of them, but boy are they powerful. And he was a man who helped guide the church right at the very beginning, there is even speculation that Paul refers to him in the new testament.
More importantly to my way of thinking, he crosses the bridge between East and West, which for me is important. Because while I am becoming Orthodox, I don’t want to abandon all that the Catholic Church has given to me. There are some great Saint that are exclusively Eastern and Western and I didn’t want to go down that path, I’m not trying to make a statement with my conversion, I was looking, and found the church of the book of Acts.
So hopefully, if the Bishop approves, this easter (which is May 5th year for the Antiochian church), I’ll be confirmed as Clement. There is a chance that the Bishop may want me to spend more time as a catechumen, but he’s the Bishop and I’m not, and I’ll accept what ever he says. This is certainly a transformation for someone who just two years ago was digging in ready to make the RCIA class PROVE that a saints name was needed 
Thank God for his mercy, to let a stubborm sinner like me, see the truth of his word, and the church’s traditions.
-Paul-
er…
-Clement (who was formally Paul)-
er…
-Clement/Paul-
I guess I need to work on a signature line.
Blessings…
The Pope, My Head, And Some Good Friends
I read the news today about the Pope stepping down at the end of the month, it was a little surprising but for me it shows the character of the Joseph Ratzinger. Even before becoming Catholic I admired Pope Benedict, I think he did a great job during a very difficult time for the Church, and I have been encouraged as he began to stamp out the odd liberalism that has plagued the Catholic Church since Vatican II. In the next month we are going to be inundated with opinions about what the Catholic Church should address next, I’m sure there will be no end to the homosexual and women as clergy nonsense. I also expect contraception to be high on the list, while I don’t agree %100 with the church on this issue when it comes to marriage, I do support the church on the rest of the issues surrounding contraception, and I’m %100 with them on Abortion.
But here’s the thing, I think what Pope Benedict is doing shows just how good of a Pope he is, we live in very fast times, the information age has changed the way we do theology, live our lives, and learn about who we are. It has allowed an uprising of opposition voices to overwhelm the Church’s message at times, and the Vatican has been a little slow in coming around. It’s part of the history of the Church, when your two thousand years old, let’s see how fast you can react. But I think in this time of rising apostasy the church needs someone at the helm who can take charge and deal with the worlds changes head on. Ratzinger knows this, and it’s been obvious for a while that he has not been well physically, so the move to retire is the best move he could make. It shows his love of the Church, and his desire for her to confront the onslaught she faces in today’s world. I know Catholics are sad he’s leaving, but you could not have asked for a better man to fill that position, and it’s clear that rather than hold onto the position, he desires more than anything, that the Church go forward. The man is a Saint in my book, and I have nothing but respect for what he’s doing.
Now to my noggin:
Two weeks ago I was walking into work, carrying a box of cookies in one hand, and my iPad Mini in the other. It was a very cold January morning, it had been snowing and was warm the day before, as I approached our office I noticed a co-working walking about 30 feet in front of me. What happened next I can’t tell you, because the next thing I knew, my co-worker was sitting over me patting me on the fact trying to wake me up. It gets a little fuzzy after that, I remember my fingers tingling like crazy and two co-workers helping me walk into the building. I sat at my desk and started to feel bad, it was about that time that my boss called an ambulance. Next thing I know I’m surrounded by men who are talking to me, checking my vitals and finally strapping me to a board and carting me out the front door. This was not how I wanted to leave work that day!
I always wondered what it would be like to ride in the Ambulance, and now I know, and friends, it’s not good. First they roll you in, your strapped down 20 ways from sunday, and your stretcher locks into the frame of the vehicle, which means any bump it hits, you feel. As we got rolling the paramedic pulls out and I.V. kit, I asked him if he was seriously going to do that while we where moving?, and he said “It’s not a problem, I do this all the time”. Well maybe not a problem for him, but for me it hurt like hell, so not only was I dizzy, he poked with an 18 gauge needle!
Once we arrived at the emergency room, my shirt was removed and I was sent to get a CT scan to see if I had scrambled my noggin. The E.R. however was packed with other people who had suffered my same fate, so I sat, or rather laid, with a neck brace in a room waiting to be seen. Uncomfortable does not cover it, Michelle showed up and I not afraid to admit that I shed some tears, it was all so overwhelming for me. Finally after about 30 minutes they pull me in to scan my noggin. Now I’m a big guy, and it took four nurses to move me onto the CT machine, they do it just like you see on T.V. shows, hup, heave, and over. I laid there unable to move while the machine spun away, then I was hup, heaved, and back over to my stretcher, and back into my room.
It was then they gave me some pain killers and nausea meds through the I.V. and for a time, Life was good. Then the Doc showed up, no visible damage, but most likely a concussion, and a good one at that. He wanted to me to try and sit up, little did I know that my brain had other insidious plans… The moment I moved from laying on the stretcher to sitting upright, the room transformed into Mr. Toads Wild Adventure, and spun like crazy. I almost lost my breakfast, so the nurse, being the angel that she was, gave me more drugs. And that did the trick I was able to slowly sit up, and eventually walk. After about three hours, they let me leave, but I had to see a specialist later in the week. It turns out that I have a level 4 concussion, and walking for the first week was an adventure, just going to the bathroom was like a funhouse of evil. And laying down to go to sleep, well, have you ever watched a cat watching a ping pong ball bounce up and down. That was pretty much what my eyes did, it was loads of fun.
I finally got in to see the Doc, and he basically told me to go home, rest, no computer, no laptop, no tablet, short amounts of reading and T.V. And that it would take a couple of weeks to heal, my balance would be wonky, and I was not to drive. So I have spent the last two weeks driving the recliner, watching terrible old T.V. shows, lots of documentaries, read theology and Lee Child books. I’ve been bored out of my mind. Finally today I saw the doc, did my third test, and was finally cleared for work starting next week, which is the best news I could get. It’s been quite an adventure, I’m considering a hockey helmet at all times, and we actually bought strap on spikes for my shoes.
This episode while painful and frustrating, has taught me a valuable lesson. We have people who love and support us no matter what, it’s been humbling how much support we have gotten through this. We are not yet fully Orthodox, but the family has stepped up in such a big way to support us that I’m at odds on how to say thank you correctly. We have friends who are from a different faith completely, and have shown more grace and the love of Christ than anyone else we know. I think the lesson here was to learn to let go, it’s a hard lesson for both of us, especially me the control freak. God has blessed us through both the church family at the Antiochian parish, and through friends who just want to make sure we are taken care of.
I’m not sure how many more CSI reruns I can watch on Hulu, computer time is still limited (I’m just about out of Gas on this now), but I can’t help but to feel truly blessed by God, and the people around us.
-Paul-
Entering the Church and House Blessings
Last Sunday during the celebration of Theophany, we were accepted as catechumens into the Orthodox church, going from Catholic to Orthodox has been a long and complicated process. It’s been a year since we started talking to Fr Mark about converting. Digging into Theology, Doctrine, and the Orthopraxy of the church. There have numerous conversations about converting, and even going back to our local Parish. I have been ready for some time to convert, but Michelle had reservations she had to work through. But I was not going to go through the process without her, she needed my support, and so I waited patiently (sometimes!).
During the year, circumstances beyond our control forced us to re-evaluate our lives. I think what finally pushed us to make the decision was the grace and love we felt from Fr. Fenn and his wife Michelle (or “Matushka” meaning teacher, as she is known). Not once did we feel rushed or pressured, they offered nothing but support, and more importantly, room for us to work through conversion.
One thing that we began to notice was how supportive the whole Church has been, it’s hard to see when your being overwhelmed by the “Easterness” of everything. When it all finally started to become familiar, we noticed that indeed we were being welcomed.
On a very cold Sunday morning, we stood in the narthex while Father Fenn, and the whole congregation prayed us into the Orthodox church. It was a moving experience, and each Sunday now the whole Church prays for us as we move onto final confirmation.
As new catechumens we got to experience our first house blessings this weekend. I have to say right up front that this is what we have been longing for. It was a time of fellowship, warmth and a deep sense of family. Each home offered a light meal, and invited the church family to come and be part of the tradition.
There where candles, blessed water (getting tossed everywhere), and lots of singing.
We had some good discussions about history, theology, we made some great friends, drank wine, and something I’m still not sure was legal in some states. It was everything that I missed from the Protestant Churches, with Alcohol!!!
We walked away blessed, it removed any hesitation at being outsiders coming into a new world. Outside the structure of the Liturgy the parish family exudes incredible warmth and vitality.
I’ve been trying hard to not compare it to our experience in our local Catholic Parish, partly because I know there is in fact just as much warmth there. We just never got to experience it, we had fellowship to be sure, but it was always in the confines of the Parish. There is nothing wrong with that, however not since being part of a small SBC church, have we felt so much part of something more intimate.
We have also noticed some Catholic family’s starting to show up, we can spot them a mile away now, just like I could spot a first time protestant at Mass while Catholic. There is a glazed look that comes over their face, with a dawning realization of being overwhelmed by the smells and bells.I’m not sure why we are suddenly seeing more new Catholics showing up, maybe it’s that time of year. I have my own suspicions that I will write about later, I think it’s part of a movement towards the ancient, a hunt for authenticity and stability. And there are only so many choices when you head that direction…
More on that shortly…
Blessings
-Paul-
Finally, the river has been crossed, a new harbor awaits…
We asked today to be allowed as Catechumens into the Antiochian Orthodox church, next sunday at the end of the Great Liturgy we will be accepted into the arms of the OCA and begin our journey to becoming fully Orthodox.
This has been a long and trying year for us, we left the Catholic Church, we stumbled at the strong middle eastern influence of the Orthodox liturgy, and our lives unraveled around us. At a time when we where between the shores of the Catholic faith and the Orthodox faith, I believe, God used circumstances to finally push us in the right direction. There is a huge sense of relief with our asking this morning, and the reception, along with the fellowship warmed our hearts.
I knew 5 minutes into the Liturgy this morning it was time, I signed to Michelle I was ready, and she told me later she felt the same calling. I don’t think that was coincidence, I think it more divine providence. We have been off and on with the OCA, struggling with the liturgy and the aesthetic nature of it all, I tend to shy from piety because of my background in the Baptist faith.
But a month ago I met over lunch with Fr. Mark, and we discussed our hesitation and concerns, he shared the difficulty in his conversion which helped us to relax and just let it happen. We stopped worrying about getting the details right, and let the liturgy come to us naturally, it made all the difference and we are beginning to finally settle in. I have also realized that the piety I was so concerned about, is nothing of what I experienced while I was a Baptist. It was an internal change, but one that allowed me to start taking my guards down, which is a big step. Even while Catholic I never fully let my true self out, I was always on guard at some level, I never felt the familial comfort that we have found with Orthodoxy. That’s not a knock at all against the Catholic Church, I’m just pointing out the difference in how we have been received. I did a full year in the ministry of Lector, and it was an honor to be able to serve and pronounce the Gospel, and if we could heal the Schism, I would sign up again because serving to me, is the highest form of praise.
This journey will change us, I can already see that we are going to need a basic understanding of Greek to get through this, that’s a challenge, I could say it’s all Greek to me right now!, and very little in the liturgy or practice uses western names. They are in many ways very close to the liturgy of the Catholic Church, just with wildly different names. There are new Diet restrictions, weekly fasts, a more stringent rules leading up to the Eucharist. It’s all doable, but it’s new, and it will take time to adjust.
So we will start out the new year on a new set of journeys, from a new house, kids moving out, and into a new and wonderful faith.
2013′s going to be a ringer of a year!!!
Bring it on!
More Random Thoughts
There was a terrible tragedy a week ago, evil came to visit an elementary school, and took the lives of innocents. But now a week out and instead of praying for the family and victims, we have begun a witch hunt. And of course everyones favorite fantasy is to make guns illegal, it’s happened before and it’s never worked. It never will, in fact just like an atomic bomb, you can’t un-invent a technology. So even if we make guns illegal, you can still make one at home with little trouble. Arming the teachers is not a bad idea, except most teachers fear guns already. Turning our schools into prisons, which they already do here, might help, but ultimately it didn’t help in Sandy Hook. I don’t know what the answer is, Theodicy is the theology of explaining evil in the face of a good and loving God, and sometimes I just don’t think you can. Evil showed it’s face again, and it will happen again, no matter how many rights we take away from our citizens. But letting reactionary idiots on capitol hill run the conversation is going to lead to another TSA farce, where every one suffers but no one is really safe.
Finally got my iPad mini, if I’m not a certifiable Apple fanboy, then I have no idea what one is. I love the form factor, it’s just right for all the things I do, and fits into my coat pocket. The new cover for it is a disappointment, but Michelle ordered a switcheasy which will fix that problem. Now I just need an iPhone 5
The house sold two days into showing, we just signed the paperwork, now to see if the lender accepts. I think he will, it’s easy money and the attorney will make it hard for him to collect anything else, I just want all this over, and to get back on with our lives, we also sign the lease on a new property today.
The Pope is calling Gay Marriage the end of our civilization, I don’t know if I would go that far. I think the whole thing is a farce to begin with, it’s an outgrowth of a society that is focused on an unequal concept of equality. There are so many now who think that everything should be ‘fair’ and ‘equal’ and they are not interested in the consequences of their ideology. The Catholic view of sex, marriage and birth control forces them to be reactionary when dealing with these issues in the first place, I can’t tell you how much bad information I’ve heard from Catholics about these topics, especially birth control. And some of the arguments from some of the biggest names are so skewed and nonsensical that I wonder if they actually believe some of the junk they pedaling. Gay Marriage is not the end of the world, I don’t agree with it, I think it’s wrong. But I’m not going to stockpile my supplies and wait for the end of the world over it, I have the Mayans for that
Speaking of the Mayans, I’m glad that nonsense is over.
I’m hoping for a white Christmas this year, the first year we moved into this one (almost exactly seven years to the day) we got a white Christmas, this will be the last one with all the kids here. So I want it to be special, we will do Roast beef, open presents and watch old cheesy movies, and laugh a lot. It will be good, then we finish packing and start a new adventure.
Here’s hoping your Christmas is Merry and Bright, and take some time to reflect on the reason we celebrate each year, God, through Christ, reached out and gave us a savior, and freed us from the tyranny of sin.
Hallelujah…
The point of the journey is not to arrive, anything can happen…
That line, penned by Neil Peart from the song Prime Mover (on my favorite Rush album) has always fascinated me. I don’t share Neils atheism, or his agnostic tendencies (well not all of them), but his words speak to me at a very primal level, they always have. Over the years while life took it turns and twists, my faith and the words of a man who shares nothing of my faith have kept me on track.
Here is what Neil penned for Prime Mover from the album ‘Hold Your Fire’:
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive
Alternating currents in a tidewater surge
Rational resistance to an unwise urge
Anything can happen…
From the point of conception
To the moment of truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof
From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey is not to arrive
Anything can happen…
Basic temperamental filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize
Alternating currents force a show of hands
Rational responses force a change of plans
Anything can happen…
From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle moving back and forth
From the point of entry
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure is not to return
Anything can happen…
I set the wheels in motion
Turn up all the machines
Activate the programs
And run behind the scene
I set the clouds in motion
Turn up light and sound
Activate the window
And watch the world go ’round
From the point of conception
To the moment of truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof
From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of a journey
Is not to arrive
Anything can happen…
Send in the clowns
We went bowling tonight, it’s something that we enjoy, and it gets us out of the house. It’s been a rough week, we had a blowup with our oldest son, our Marriage is strained right now, and with all of that there are legal matters to attend to. It’s day to day right now, the chickens will be off to slaughter next week, there is no other option and it was getting close to that time anyway. We will sell the coop, or find storage for it if we must. We will give up one of the dogs most likely, she’s too destructive and with rentals you can’t have an animal that chews things up. We are also going to sell some of our fish and end up with just one or two small tanks, it all rips at our hearts and causes tears.
But that’s the hard reality, we decided today that we are going to turn all this over to a lawyer and our account, and let them guide us through this. There is too much at stake and we don’t want to make any mis-steps, the lender is basically foreclosing on us, which makes me angry because we have never missed a payment. But I’ll let the lawyer deal with that, we will focus on packing and getting ready.
My faith is in tatters right now, the sun will rise tomorrow and we will move on, but we will never be the same. I’m too overwhelmed to know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. There is a deep ache in my heart, I can’t hide it, my co-workers and friends know something is up, but we’ve been pretty quiet about it. We can be philosophical and rationalize why this is better, logically I know that’s true, emotionally however I’m still not over all this.
I do think I will feel better once we get more packed and have a better idea of where we will land, the timing of this was the worst. This week everyone is out with their family, and we are falling apart, just when we need re-assurance.
There are prospects, a house in the city on a large lot looking for long term tenants (that’s us). A couple a little farther out that look very nice, we talked to one today who was so weird we just walked away. The last thing I need is a twitchy landlord to deal with, we want something cheap, that we can stay in for a couple of years, and close to work (well, closer).
I’m sure this will all get better, that the sun will finally come out, but getting there is going to be tough. I wish someone would send the clowns, we need a good laugh and smile, something cheer our hearts and let us smile from the inside out.
-Paul-
Packing Begins
I spent most of yesterday packing up my desk, because even if we can keep the house, I’ll be moving it to a new office upstairs. I also jettisoned all the stuff I had collected and don’t need anymore, today I’ve been setting up iTunes Match to get all my content out onto the cloud, synching up all my browsers with the main machine and getting ready to box up my Mac Pro, and move to my Retina until either I move into my new office, or we find a new home. We have found some interesting prospects, like I said before the market is flooded right now, so we can be picky and get something that will meet our needs.
We have decided that for the shop, we are going to order pallets and shipping crates for the stuff that’s hard to transport. Most things have wheels so I can move them around easily, so we are going to start cleaning each tool. Get it all up to spec, and then either stick it on a pallet and shrink it, or just shrink it for storage. Then we will get one of the Pods delivered and move the whole shop into one of those. It should just barely fit, minus the workbench which is OK, I’ve had it for about 12 years and it’s time to build a new, much better one.
We went bowling last night with some close friends, and that was a wonderful experience. It felt good to get out of the house, and do something fun with people who we love and trust. We are determined to not let this beat us down, it’s important that make the best of this. We have until March, that’s a good deal of time, the office packed up pretty quickly, and because I’m a computer nerd, I found a program to inventory and make box labels. That makes moving so much easier when you can organize and have a place for everything.
As soon as iTunes finishes I’ll be taking this computer offline, and packing the last of my office up for a while.
We also had a long talk about the Orthodox faith, we are heading back. I’m reaching out to the Father this week and see if he has some time to sit and go over our concerns in a more intimate setting. At this point we need a church family, we realize that clearly, and so this is the first step to heading in that direction.
-Paul-
