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March 22, 2010

My Hiding Place

In 1999 we moved to the SF bay area so I could take a dream job, that lasted until the end of 2006 by which time we had moved to Kuna, Idaho. The more we moved away from Michelle’s family the better our relationship got, but at the same time I pulled away from everyone else in my life. I think it was an attempt to avoid the messy parts of life, I was struggling with my faith at the time (and still am to some extent). In fact while being so successful in my job, internally I was coming apart. It didn’t happen overnight but took a long time, I had some deep and serious questions about life, faith, God and everything. And I couldn’t find an answer, as I continued to pull away, all around me a whole generation was moving away from the evangelical church for the same reasons. But being isolated and trapped by religion I never knew to even look, I could have ended my isolation had I known where to reach out too.

I’ve known people all throughout my life who have hidden from the world, my family is a good example. We own or owned a ranch in Nevada way way off the beaten path, I was always told that one L.A. went into the abyss we would all move out the ranch and live some kind of wilderness frontier existence. Unknowingly it fed my psyche and implanted a isolationist attitude in me, it was a defense mechanism to avoid the struggle and pain I was working through. The only people I could not hide from was my family, but I even attempted that by immersing myself in my work and closing up my feelings.

But it’s had it’s consequences, it strained my marriage, my relationship with my kids and I basically broke off all ties with my family. It’s a dark place to be, and it has it’s own kind of pain. In the last year I’ve started to struggle with even admitting what I was doing, like everything else in my life, it’s all part of a bigger process. God is changing me, the potter has his hands in my life and while I now have deep regret for the path I’ve taken, there is also hope. I’m starting to reach out, my hearts coming back to life, I can cry again, love guardedly (I’m not ready for a fully open love yet) again.

It’s a big change…

And it’s still a little scary…

But it’s happening, God is calling me out of my hiding place. I’m starting to trust again, I know that I can rely on him, even if others let me down he never will. That’s enormous, it’s life changing, and it gives me hope for where I can go with the Potter’s help.

I’m working out the regrets at the moment, they hurt, more than the messy parts of life. But I can’t ignore them, and my hiding place is slowly being opened to the light of day, so I’m coming to grips with who and what I am, a bit of holy narcissism is *not* a bad thing. To work on what I can become, I have to know who I am and where I’ve been. But this is only possible by learning to lean on God, his mercy and grace and being open to his gentle push for change.

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, it’s painful to feel so alone, even when surrounded by people who love you. And I’m so sorry for what I’ve done, I can only ask for forgiveness and move on. It’s all I know at the moment, in so many ways I’m starting over. This is the most painful one, the sin, the past are all there, but this one is deep and it’s going to take time to heal.

I’ve been through a hard winter, the trees have been barren for a long time, but I feel spring coming. And as it approaches my heart is starting to flower and bloom….

Thank God for his Mercy and Grace to see us for what we truly are and still love us unconditionally,
We can never forget that despite everything we are he still paid a price that NONE of us can even start to come to grips with.

It’s killing my hiding place, and that’s a good thing…



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