My Fading Faith

It’s been a tough year, Michelle and I had to move, lost our house, got sued on what was at best a sham. I fell, received a concussion and have not really been the same since (all while delivering cookies for charity). We Have spent the year dealing with lawyers and CPA’s who all claim to be Christians, but who should instead have their licenses revoked. We finally found a lawyer not spouting the Christian title, and in one eighth the time he’s done more than the last one could even accomplish in a year.

One of my very best friends goes into a coma, and two weeks later passes away, all while a family sits and witnesses the demise of someone they all loved so dearly. Like how Michael Spencer left us so quickly, it’s such a crime that these beautiful have to die in such agonizing ways. Life sucks…

I’ve struggled with so much emphasis in the Orthodox Church on traditions, and the ascetic nature of parish life. It’s not that I’m anti tradition, but I can’t shake Michael Pattons admonition about essential and non-essential things, and how that sometimes in our desire to help people, we do the exact opposite of our intention. While I love the Orthodox faith, I also struggle with it a great deal. Going from west to east, is not an easy journey.

The Catholic church finally gets a pope who gets it, and it causes an internal war because everyone wants the pope to endorse their faction, when I am %100 sure that Christ would tell them all they are wrong. John MacArthur is now getting rich telling charismatics that they aren’t really christian (a non-christian message if there ever was one, but hey, we elected him supreme ruler of the church… didn’t we?), and Mark Driscoll shows up at the conference and shows that the he’s not above lying to sell a few copies of his book as well. I don’t really care about either of these men (along with the other self elected popes in the protestant world), but the people who’s faith gets destroyed by these antics is heartbreaking.

Our economy is crashing in slow motion, and the idiots and sycophants who run Capital hill are not accountable for any disaster they unleash, that includes the moron living in the white house. I was will to give them all a little room, but they can’t even put up a website for crying out loud, and don’t talk about security. What a bunch of bumbling, idiotic fools, and I’m referring there to ALL parties on capital hill.

To be sure I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’m tired of trite answers, I’m tired of feeling like I”m all alone in dealing with these struggles. I’m not sure any of it matters anymore, at times even Divine Liturgy feels like a pageant where we go through the motions, and nothing comes out the other side. You can forget prayer, what’s the point? If God’s in charge then I don’t understand his plans anymore, and my one little voice isn’t going to change anything, it certainly didn’t save my friend, who died of a brain tumor. One can’t help but do a little Theodicy when faced with the horrible death of a friend, it’s human nature, and in this case really can’t provide any substantive answers.

I’m tired of  the whole mess, I’m tired of the ‘Christian’ messages of victory, and well being. Go pour out your positive poison nonsense on someone else, and just shut up for once. The next person who gets their panties in a bunch because the words ‘Happy Holiday’ are an attack on Christmas is going to get a special reindeer treat from me, thrown at your swollen head. Stop treating people who don’t believe as you do, as inferior to them. Go fight your damn moral nonsense battles somewhere else, stop telling me how to live my life, stay out of my bedroom, and stop acting like you have all the answers.

I need a vacation, not from work, but from believers and all their nonsense. I need to step away from the church, stop going to service, and just think for a while. Is any of this even real anymore, while I certainly don’t trust the likes of people like Dawkins, I do have doubts, and I need to face them head on.

I need room to breathe again, to not have everyone asking something of me, to just stop, sit and figure out who I am in all this mess.

If you think I need encouragement, or more prayer, then go read the psalms, because David is slowly becoming my kind of guy… It’s not all roses out here…

-Paul-